Sharon Paterson, Mike Rogers and Paul Hessey from Leading Roles run an experiential session on having difficult conversations on our Introduction to Head of Department programme. In our first of two blogs on this subject, they share their practical tips on the preparation needed to ensure that difficult conversations are managed well and generate the best outcome for those involved.
Before the meeting ask yourself these questions:
- Why have this conversation?
- Who will it serve immediately and what will it bring you?
- What might be the ultimate benefit (to both of you) of having this conversation?
- Is the matter trivial or serious enough for both parties to invest time in?
- What might be the ultimate consequence of not having this conversation?
- If you’re not going to do it, what are you going to do instead?
- What might be your “BATNA” (Best Alternative to No Agreement)?
When you consider the longer-term implications, decide whether a good outcome now would damage a relationship with this individual (or wider group) in the longer term. If you have not decided to avoid this potential conflict for legitimate reasons, explain to yourself why a ‘victory’ on this issue is essential for you, or how you might be prepared to compromise in the short term to get more from the relationship over time, or indeed whether there is a way to collaborate with this individual for an even better solution than the one you currently plan to offer.
How can you prepare yourself?
Think about how you can carry your desired mindset into the conversation and even how your physiology can affect your psychology. Try psychologist Amy Cuddy’s Power Posing techniques.
Consider Patsy Rodenburg’s status circle and focus on the following attributes:
- Listening actively and empathetically
- Being mindful of body language and tone of voice
If you want to be assertive, courageous, compassionate, remind yourself of when you have done these things well – even if it was in unrelated circumstances – and summon the feelings associated with those times. Develop techniques that will help you to keep calm and manage your emotions. Slow silent counting and breathing deeply can sometimes help.
If you are planning to be assertive, the 5-part assertion tool can help you rehearse being assertive about what you really want or need to happen. This isn’t a script, but you can benefit by thinking about the following in your own terms:
- What I like…
- What I don’t like…
- If you do…
- If you don’t…
- What I want / need is…
Are you ‘travelling light’?
You may be carrying ‘baggage’ into the conversation. Is it possible to leave it at the door – the past does not always need to feature in the present.
How can you bring both honesty and integrity to the conversation?
Be very clear about what you can and can’t promise, and about what power and responsibility you have to meet requests. With what status are you entering the conversation? Parent, adult or child? (Find out more about this idea by following this link). Question your assumptions and your knowledge of the context of events, consider why would a reasonable person be acting in this way.
Think about the situation from the other person’s perspective
If you were in their position, how could they be feeling and what might they be thinking about the issue? (Literally asking these questions early in the conversation should give you a better understanding of both.) What alternative approach might you offer as a suggestion, if you were ‘wearing their shoes’?
Think about the degree to which they seem to be holding onto their convictions, using what you have observed, rather than assume to be the case. If they have declared outright that the issue is one on which they will never compromise, you may need to re-assess your ability to influence them.
Location, location, location
Taking some control of the meeting environment might help. Your place or theirs or neutral ground? Where might be most advantageous to the situation?
Once you’re satisfied that you are prepared, the next step is to face your colleague. Read the second blog: how to manage conflict: steering the meeting.
If you would like to know more about handling difficult conversations, join us on our Introduction to Head of Department programme. Find out more: www.lfhe.ac.uk/ihod
We have further resources on having difficult conversations on our Knowledge Bank. Take a look here: www.lfhe.ac.uk/knowledgebank